Birthday at Disneyland because California life is incredible and I’m an adult
my roommate’s kitten is a terrorist that is not afraid of water how do we even deal with this
Yesterday marked a year since the last time I cut myself.
We drove down to San Diego and stood on cliffs over the ocean and watched the sun peek through the clouds and the surfers bob around in the distance and felt that feeling that I love so much when I travel, the one where something so big makes you feel so small. The rest of the night was spent chasing down a sunset at a national park and sharing whiskey in dark bars. We slept on couches and woke up fuzzy brained and goofy, spent all morning watching music videos and laughing until our sides hurt. We went to a waterfall on the way back to Long Beach but there was no water so we climbed the rocks instead and soaked in the sun. I went all the way to the top despite my immense fear of heights and dangled my feet off the edge and felt momentarily fearless.
I spent 10 years with a razor blade trailing behind me, weighing me down and creating a lattice of scars up and down my limbs and all over my relationships. A year ago I fell so deep into it that it landed me in a hospital with over 50 cuts on my body and a gash across my bicep that was deep enough to require stitches. And I managed to get a whole year away from it, 365 full days of healing scars without adding any new ones. I’m not going to say its for forever, but it sure is much further in my past than its ever been and that feels incredible.
I couldn’t tell you how or why exactly but I think it’s worth noting (for me and for others) that its possible. That you can walk away from the things that chain you down. That you can spend one November 16th at your lowest of lows, broken open and sliced up and hopeless in the emergency room, and the next November 16th living a new life on a different coast, sandwiched between your best friends with your legs dangling off a waterfall. Lows are only momentary and anything can change, even things you thought you were stuck with forever.
Hang tough lovies. As always, here if you need me.
scaling rocks and getting dirty in the desert
absolutely in love with California living
I had to say goodbye to my sweet Snuffy this weekend after a very tough and fast battle with kitty cancer.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make, but after a week of steady health decline and watching him fade it was the right thing to do. He spent his final moments with his head in my cupped hand (the way in which we slept together many nights during the 8 years he lived with me,) while I scratched his chin and he looked into my eyes and it was all very peaceful. He was a trooper and a sweetheart till the end.
Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows how important Snuff was to me. What a companion, source of joy, and family member he’d become to not only me but to my friends, family, and his many internet fans (whoever you guys are I love you.) He was less of a pet and more so an extension of my being, a furry 16 pound appendage I carried around in my heart for the past 8 years.
Snuff came to me on my 19th birthday after being returned twice to the adoption center. It’s hard to imagine anyone rejecting such a sweet guy, but I’m so glad that they did. When Ben and I added him to the home we’d made together, it made our tiny little unit the perfect place for my sad Margaret brain at the time. With the two of them by my side, it was so much easier to handle the things I was going through; so much more pleasant to exist. While the relationship didn’t last, Snuffy became solely mine in the split, and he’s been my number one man ever since, and he was definitely the best thing to come of any relationship ever (Ben I love you but not as much as I love Snuffy.)
I’m absolutely heartbroken to have lost such a huge piece of me, but it’s been a good opportunity to think about how positive my time with him was. As much as I saved him, he saved me; for all of the care I gave him, he gave it to me right back. He’s been by my side for the past 8 years and I can’t imagine going through some of the things I did without having his furry head nuzzled up next to mine at the end of some of those tough days. He was truly a one of a kind creature, and I’m so thankful to have had him in my life.
Thanks to anyone that has reached out in the past few days, it means a lot and is so sweet. It’s crazy that strangers on the internet care about me at all, and it’s even crazier that they care about my cat. I know Snuff would have loved you all.
So give your furry friends an extra squeeze and a kiss on the forehead for me today and remember to take stock of and appreciate all the positive beings you have in your life. You never know how much longer they’ll be there for.
I love this. I try really hard to only send good vibes out into the internet world and it’s nice to have it recognized in such a sweet way. This is adorable and makes me so happy.
Also I want to be everyone’s internet admirable big sister how can I make that happen?
You are precious thank you for such kind words, keep up the cat life.